My Alter Ego Said “Keep Your Mouth Shut!”

The measure of any society is how it treats its women and girls” –Michelle Obama

My work with the  UN Sustainable Development Goals campaign over many years, focused on an international call to action for gender equity. Whether millennials or empty nesters, at every stage of life, women are grappling with tough questions about how to remain empowered as they face challenges of sexual harassment, abuse, inequities in the workplace, in education and a world that is often systemically stacked against them. These conversations about women’s empowerment seem more urgent than ever in today’s climate in America. 

When movie mogul Harvey Weinstein was exposed by the New York Times as a serial sexual predator based on decades of allegations, actress Alyssa Milano invited women to keep voices lifted about sexual harassment by tweeting #metoo.  In one week, over 1.5 million women tweeted the hashtag, kicking off a social media firestorm. That firestorm is still burning, now across the arenas of politics, media and has circled back to the White House.  We know their names all too well, Lauer, Simmons, Rose, Franken, Trump. But what about the thousands of women, some famous others unknown, who have suffered in these sexual assaults? So many women have been left disempowered, silenced and confused for many years. 

Self-expression and sharing the truth can be empowering. Even so, many of us make the choice to keep suffering in silence. 

In what feels almost prophetic, two weeks before the Weinstein story broke, I decided to look more deeply at women’s empowerment. I was hoping to make some personal discoveries along the way. Tops on my list, was understanding why I had not completed my divorce, and why I was feeling a constant subtle gnawing in my spirit—like I was just a little upset without knowing why. 

To find answers to all of these important questions, I decided to attend three empowerment workshops organized by women for women. This is my story of one, and a window into a few life changing revelations that were well worth seven hours in Malibu, CA one Sunday afternoon. 

The workshop, One Day: Access to the Best of Your life was created by Karin Nord and Melissa Mueller, veteran transformational coaches whose resumes boast influential corporate and private clients. The event was held at Calamigos Ranch, an eco-friendly spa tucked in the canyons overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Malibu, CA.

When I pull into the gravel driveway of Calamigos Ranch, the first thing I notice is the sound of a cascading fountain centered in the circular entry and the smell of moist soil and sweet grass. I am walked to the conference lodge by a friendly guide, across a series of tiny narrow wooden boardwalks, a meandering path, inconspicuously built into the landscape. 

I walk in, past decanters of fruit infused waters, bowls of fresh fruits and a variety of nuts on a table. The founder and facilitators of One Day, Karin and Melissa, sit on high chairs at the front of the room. About 15 women sit on comfy couches that form a U-shape. 

“Things are kind of out of whack in the world right now,” said Karin as the workshop officially began. “I chose to create this event because of the state of the world.  I was looking and hearing other people in my close community struggle so hard. The retreat is designed to realize our power,” she said.

We do brief introductions and there are three recurring themes that people are dealing with: uncertainty, change, fear. Mostly these women ages 25-54, white and wealthy were dealing with fear around the question, “will I ever realize my potential?” Some were frustrated Moms who dipped out of lucrative careers to raise their children and had not figured out how to hold down a house hold and be successful business women at the same time. Others were grappling with aging and finding a partner. Others felt concerned about ever being fulfilled. As I listened, I began to see that I was a hybrid of many of these concerns. As an African American woman, in the minority there and in America, I am thinking about scores of women who don’t have the luxury of this kind of “me time”. 

As my divorce hangs in the balance, I was living each day in limbo, and me nor my husband Dave (ex-husband?) were making any moves to officially complete our marriage. Our kids are pretty much grown and as empty nesters, we have just been living separate lives, coming together regularly for family gatherings, financial strategizing and of course for whatever our children need. I was here at One Day with the secret personal hope of gaining clarity, and getting out of limbo, somehow. 

Exercise one. “Close your eyes and count your thoughts. See how wild your mind is? We call it Monkey Mind” says, Mueller. She continues. “Okay, how many thoughts did you have? 10, 20, 13, 26 (that was me). This time, close your eyes and allow your tongue to relax. Count your thoughts…This time response was far less 1, 3, 7, 7 (that was me). So it was demonstrated that our physical bodies can actually contribute to our thinking. The relaxed tongue also allowed most of us to feel more at ease, to sink into a very relaxed space, almost meditative. 

We had lunch on the patio with fresh tasty food.  A guided-conversation helped identify our ‘limiting beliefs about life’. We talked about our dreams and what’s stopping us.  My limiting belief was that when I put myself first, someone else inevitably gets hurt. I figured this one out as we talked over exotic salads about our lives growing up. I was transported back to being scolded by my mother as a child for hogging her attention. My sister was shy and I remember my mother complaining about how I would knock my sister out of the way to sit on her lap. I don’t recall doing that to my sister, but it was really clear that I developed a pattern of holding back so as not to seem too pushy, or trampling on other’s feelings. I could see how I made this a way of life, putting my needs in the background to avoid being perceived as a jerk. I realized that I was still acting like a hurt five-year-old. I made a declaration to let this go. This revelation, was like dropping a ton of bricks off my back. 

As we came back to the couches after a delicious and productive lunch, I was struck by the beauty of this place and the luxury it is to be sitting in this mini paradise unloading personal burdens. I think about the women of Sudan and Yemen who are dealing with drought and war. I think about the women refugees of Syria whose homes have been decimated. 

Then, I catch myself and recognize that this thinking is a trap. It’s a way of dividing women, along lines of privilege. All women, all people need to dream to create a better world. We all deserve to be nurtured, to have happiness. That’s even in the UN Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Global development may do well to include a workshop like this in its tool kit. 

I wanted to bring this up as we regrouped, but something inside me stopped. I too was keeping the global plight of women in developing countries separate from the relationships and career concerns of these western ‘privileged women’. I sat there, silent in the moment, feeling guilty and trying to reconcile my silence. 

We commenced, with a mirroring exercise where we helped each other to identify all of the many voices that inform our thinking. I certainly had a lot of dialogue running through my mind. And it was great to pause and to really listen to my ‘selves’, and to tune in to some of the ways these voices control our actions. Like, I was clear that I have a voice who tells me regularly, keep your mouth shut. It’s great for diplomacy and sucks for most else. The leaders continue…

Melissa knows “Felicia “all too well. Felicia is her inner voice that likes things organized, and knows how things should go. She is bossy and unfortunately for Melissa, Felicia tends to pop out on dates. That gets a big laugh from all of us. It is the laughter of recognition. “These inner voice-personas,” are here to protect us too, Mueller says. “A ‘good girl’ voice will likely conflict with a ‘daredevil risk taker voice’ who is adventurous and uninhibited. That ‘good girl’ has grounded us and saved the day many a time.” The One Day theory is that when you name things, call them out for what they are, they don’t have power over you anymore. 

I listen closely. I make the discovery in a paired sharing exercise with a young musician named Sonja, that my “keep your mouth shut voice (let’s call her Denise) also helped me to navigate intense and harmful spaces. Somehow naming this voice, brought her to life and I was able to see the many times that Denise had run the show. It was a pretty profound reckoning. In the days following the workshop I was able to revisit an incident that I had deeply suppressed having kept my mouth shut for over 20 years. 

The terrifying incident was one that not only suppressed my voice, but drowned out my sense of justice and dignity. I could see that this voice, Denise, was acting as my protector, but it was a direct conflict with my moral voice. 

Over twenty-years ago, I was sexually assaulted by a powerful record mogul and chose to keep my mouth shut. Until now. 

The incident took place in the move from an award show to an after party in Hollywood. I piled into a limo with the President of the record label and some of his staff with whom I had recently worked producing music videos for their artists. We pulled up to the after party and his staff leaped out quickly at the destination.  Before I could join them, the limo rolled on with just myself and the mogul. He insisted I come with him to his hotel suite where there were artists from his label were also hanging out, names I knew from producing their music videos. When we got there no one was there. It quickly accelerated to an attempted rape and I was able to get out of the room after an intense physical altercation. I was threatened, and told not to say anything. I talked about it with Dave. We had been dating for a few months. Despite his urging, I decided to keep my mouth shut. Denise won out. I am still grappling with the reality of this and found so much empathy for myself in these precious moments of discovery that were sparked by the exercises in the workshop.

Valerie Lyons, an internationally certified life coach and counselor at Hunter College in New York City emphasizes that women's empowerment is important not only to the self, but to all women. “We hold a lot of secrets. Everyone wants to seem put together. We struggle with age, race, and wonder if we are good enough. Coming out of these (workshops) interactions, women are more apt to trust, to take risks. breaking down barriers between women, there is a willingness to connect.” 

On a break at the workshop, I called Dave. I needed a touchstone, a reality check on what happened on that night, and felt the need to begin further healing by talking to him about it. I have never shared this experience with anyone other than him, until now. He was very supportive and suggested that I share this experience with our daughter. I agreed, now embracing all the more, the essential power and nature of sharing our truths. It was in the comfort and vulnerability of this empowerment workshop that I stepped up to the plate to begin to confront this old and dark secret. Just sharing about it with Dave made it real, I did not feel alone. 

Dr. Andrea Capachietti, an LA based physician and humanitarian aid worker specializes in women’s trauma. She explains that living with perceived or ongoing threats to survival means that the brain is working from the response of fight or flight. High levels of adrenaline and cortisol flood the brain. Over long periods of time this cortisol is a stressor that is predictive of conditions like diabetes and even dropping out of school.  Being in safe spaces, enjoying yourself with friends is calming and will release endorphins, easing the body’s responses to stress, balancing us and allowing us to be happier. So, a workshop like One Day can be a source of balance, in a safe place of connection and joy. 

Dr. Capacheitti’s emphasis on shared experience reminds me of the wisdom of the world’s youngest Nobel Prize winner Malala, the 16-year-old Pakistani girl who risked her life to advocate for girls’ education. In her Nobel acceptance speech she reminds us all that we are each other, and she encourages us to share our dreams and visions. “I loved learning and discovering new things.  I remember when my friends and I would decorate our hands with henna on special occasions. Instead of drawing flowers we would paint our hands with mathematical formulas and equations.  We had a thirst for education because our future was right there in that classroom,” says Malala.

At age ten her sanctuary of a school and her community went from having a ‘right’ to learn to becoming a crime. Her school and her home community were decimated by terrorists who also fired relentlessly on Malala and her friends on a school bus, nearly killing her. Being a girl and going to school was not an option under the Taliban.  Her priorities then changed and according to her remarks at the Nobel ceremony, she had two options.  “One was to remain silent and wait to be killed. The second was to speak up and then be killed.  I chose the second one. I chose to speak up.” 

In contrast, I am ashamed of my inaction, and at the same time, I am able to realize the traumatizing and immobilizing effect of this sexual assault. For the millions of women worldwide who have experienced such deeply hurtful things, the question is not how do we become unstoppable, it is more important to stop and to acknowledge what happened, in order to prevent the fear from being a recurring theme or an unconscious undertow in life. 

Thanks to One Day, I have begun to let go of the debilitating notion that anyone has life figured out. Acceptance is a baseline that at least allows for clarity.  I thought the choice to not complete my divorce was one way to hold everything in the balance, creating the illusion of steadiness. Really, I was teetering in between worlds, afraid to make a move one way or another. In a similar way, by not acknowledging the sexual assault and keeping my mouth shut about other hurts, I was preventing myself from fully accepting myself. At One Day, I took the time to listen to myself. 

“The minds of women in a nurturing environment can inspire service, solutions to the issues that women care about whether personal, social, political, environmental or economic,” says my dear friend Nancy Allan. Nancy was once a film producer aspiring for traditional success in Hollywood with a self-proclaimed penchant for perfection. She is now an acupuncturist, herbalist and spiritual psychology practitioner, based in Brentwood, CA. and lives by here own words. She is also a teacher of simplicity and has recently found a real and satisfying love at age 46. 

In the final hour of the One Day retreat, each woman went on a solo nature walk exploring the grounds. We were asked to come back and to share observations. I had a really great time discovering all sorts of beautifully adorned corners of the property. I was admiring a garden of succulents when I turned and saw a boulder perched atop a mountain in the distance. It seemed a feat of physics to have this giant rock so perfectly balanced and steady. 

I shared about it with the group. It really seemed miraculous and I was very excited about it. Perhaps the boulder was symbolic of lessons learned throughout the day. In Malala’s world for example, she could see the boulder of injustice and the threat it poses daily. We have the choice of recognizing balance as possible under the right conditions. Balance can also easily be disrupted with just the right force. It’s important to keep that balance, to tend to it.  Keeping a boulder from rolling down that mountain and crushing all that is in its path, is not a job for one person. Tending to the balance of a boulder is more about a community and what’s at stake. And if the boulder rolls, we can together survey the damage, pick up the pieces and rebuild. 

That night after the workshop, I flew to Washington DC on a red eye. Deplaning in the haze of morning, I felt a lightness about my life. Was I empowered? I don’t know. The word empowerment, never really got defined. 

I quiet my mind, listen for my inner voices. What message do I hear?  “Life is a gift, enjoy it and share yourself.” Okay, got it!